I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
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Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee