“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
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Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.