Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
You Might Also Like
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”