What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
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Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
i prefer mine room temperature.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews