“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
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if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”