Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
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Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Word!