No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
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[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction