My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
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CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Welcome
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
tell em, edith-anne
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful