Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
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[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol