Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
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me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
thank god
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”