Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
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Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
oh my gosh!!
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.