her: i like a guy that can last long đ
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
You Might Also Like
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they donât know itâs you
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% đ
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
ok wow⊠unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
đ”LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
đ”LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
đ”LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
If you add the word âextraordinaireâ to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: youâre
him: âŠ
me: hello? hello?
Itâs so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders