If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
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I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me