Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
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Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
*orders delivery*
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
I need this for my side hustle.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.