[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
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5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them