Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
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Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Awwwww shit.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun