The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
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My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
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a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.