a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
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My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.