The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
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Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
A friend helps you before you need it
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
We’ve all been there
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy