I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
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The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.