If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
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Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.