She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
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Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0