On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
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Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”