every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
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I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
War & Peace
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
why no one uses midhusbands
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom