“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”

*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*

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[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [scanning menu] what page are u on


*sees a truck*

*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.

*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.


Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.

Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?



A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.


If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store


I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.


babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me


In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious


I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’


Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.