Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
You Might Also Like
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.