Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
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Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.