♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
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TODAY
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
choose your gary
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.