Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
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My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.