I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
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TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
🤣🤣🤣
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
I’m calling the cops.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.