Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
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My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Hot Hot Hot
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.
🤔😂😂
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.