🤔😂😂
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6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken