My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
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Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
motivation
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?