Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
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My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin