Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
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TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.