Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
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I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
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A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
beware of dog
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
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The glockness monster
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Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
The smoothest fall of all time
not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid
holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …