I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
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Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter