I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with

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Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.


Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no


I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
“Nope. Green.”


[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words


Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.


Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.


Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.


Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’