@osoplain

I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with

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@simoncholland

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

@TheAlexNevil

Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no

@ristolable

I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”

@fro_vo

[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words

@Tw1tter_K1tten

Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.

@sjredmond

Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.

@amishschool

Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.

@metickleu

Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’