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All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig