I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
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Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not