I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
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When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
“i miss shittin on people”
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.