I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
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Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
“We will wed,” I threatened
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill