I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
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me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire