I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
![]()
You Might Also Like
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
it is time once again
![]()
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.