Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
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I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
<- sleeps well with others
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
You look like you would fail a DNA test
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.