wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
You Might Also Like
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day