If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
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2022 will be better than 2021
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Europe. Made in Germany.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.