Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
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Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
dictator is short for richard potato
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence