“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
You Might Also Like
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster