sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
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wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
If only