I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
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Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
My dryer is celebrating lint.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
you have three unread messages
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
In banana years, I am bread.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.