If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
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They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me: