I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
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Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
I need this for my side hustle.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.