not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
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“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference